Gaylord Into the Future

Question: what do Nostradamus, Gypsy Rose Lee, Mystic Meg and Russell Grant all have in common? Answer: they have all had quadruple heart bypass surgery. (Except the first three, who haven’t). What they also share is an uncanny ability to see into the future. With this chilling thought in mind, I wanted to offer the world my own predictions for the coming year and finally secure my rightful place in the pantheon of prophets. I guarantee that the following things will happen during the next 12 months:

1. Nick Clegg will open a new Daily Mail-sponsored detention centre on the Kent coast, but a documentary presented by Fern Britton exposes that rather than being a holding pen for immigrants being returned to Europe it is in fact a death camp where Vince Cable is overseeing the systematic extermination of all non-British people.

2. IKEA will open a shop the size of Bedford, in Bedford.

3. One of those African countries will simply cease to exist.

4. North Korea will come out of the closet and be declared the first homosexual nation state, or ‘homocracy’. The world rejoices, except for Iran who hates gays so much they nuke North Korea off the map.

5. A particularly withering put-down from Simon Cowell proves to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for Louis Walsh, who has a full-blown nervous breakdown live on The X Factor. Tipping the desk over and ripping off his piss-soaked trousers, he punches Danni Minogue so hard in the face that the bone in her nose shoots up into her brain, killing her instantly.

6. Barack Obama, in a desperate attempt to appeal to Southern voters, will personally secede from the Union and then declare war on himself.

7. Trevor McDonald will demonstrate how he can fist himself on a 'Tonight with Trevor McDonald' special.

8. On the day of the Royal wedding, the Sun will publish its first male page 3, featuring the gayest man they could find in Brighton dressed as Prince William with a caption that makes some weak pun on the 'Queen'. The fallout from this will include a mass walkout of mechanics and builders, and the whole of Essex will simply grind to a halt.

9. My old friend Michael Barrymore will triumphantly return to our screens after being publicly pardoned by the Queen for buggering a man to death in a swimming pool.

10. China will go absolutely mental.

11. I will experience a meteoric rise to fame, swiftly followed by a catastrophic and shameful fall from grace, a series of misunderstandings and misfortunes inevitably combining to drag me back into the blackness of relative anonymity.

12. Ant and Dec will divorce. It will be hard on all of us.